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[06 Mar 2012|08:50pm]
Things are going pretty well for me.

At the end of the day what I can say is that my spirits are pretty high. I'm currently in California. I've been in this suburb hellhole for 1.5 weeks so far, and I'll have to be here another 2-3 weeks. I wake up everyday at 4:30-5:00 AM and work anywhere from 10-16 hours. I literally don't remember my last day off.

In the evenings the hours creep on and I always have a severe aversion to sleep. Every night I stay up too late. I think I have a psychological block that keeps me from just laying down and going to sleep. I never sleep without crashing - without physically not being able to stay awake. It's a pretty decently sized problem for me. What bothers me most is that for some reason I'm not able to convince myself that it's acceptable to go to sleep.

I feel very fortunate with my career. I'm currently making 2.5 times as much as I was 1.5 years ago, and this is satisfying. My boss wants me to run the engineering department at the office. This is a pretty big deal to me.

I'm pretty sure I have an addiction to moving forward. Stagnation is death. Unless I am actively progressing in some part of my life I fall into depression. Despite how good my job is, if I felt like I wasn't moving forward for too long I'd probably quit - for anything else.

One of my coworkers got fired today. It's challenging for me to say that he needed to be fired. He was paid too much and he screwed up too often. Sometimes it worries me that I've become too mechanical when it comes to dealing with people, but at the end of the day it's fact that it's impractical for a company to lose money because of a bad employee.

I really don't know if anybody reads this thing anymore. I think it's a nonissue.

I'm very conflicted about having a female in my life. I desire a relationship, yet the simplicity in my life is so refreshing. This is the first time I've been single since I was 16. That is nearly 5 years. That is approximately 1/4th of my life. :|

Because this a public forum I feel like I have to state this: Now I'm just rambling. I should stop writing before I write something I don't mean, or that will embarrass myself.
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[30 May 2011|09:26pm]
Still amble slowly though the forest,
all the crisp and dying trees are beautiful.
The fauna is not for the gods, but to be imbraced by the care free.
We, she says, are not.
I, she says, feel the warm tingle down
my forearms to the tips of my nails,
I feel all of the enveloping green.
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[15 Nov 2010|11:42pm]
One will be defined by her beauty,
because though all the heroines of lore
live in minds, minds are given to body.
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[27 Jun 2010|01:23pm]
Limitless

Feel free to run in sunbaked fields,
or to brood under purple churning clouds.
We are the indulgence of bloody steaks,
and the green consuming of a ton of raw spinach.
Count the people of the world and find one of each,
one who actively sings, who cries,
binges upon altering alcohol.
Though we can do anything,
we only end up being one person,
one life, one choice.
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[16 May 2010|10:54pm]
Ease is not the virtue of humanity.

In view of chatting up love, man stands upon his soul,
his shoes and a lifetime of flipping coins to the desires of god.
Deep within the confines of physical law,
deep within the mind rests and flutters heartache in the making,
discontent in lonliness and also of melding of souls.


Within me rage the rivers of passion, with red contracting walls,
heartbeats and moans. Upon a raft without a paddle
I scream with desire, I fuck without eyes.
Tenderness pours from all the orifices of the soul,
and without gain I am.
For though I have been emptied and satiated,
I have yet to surpass a single primal thought.

Devouring, dripping entropy,
I find forethought to seep like crude oil through the fingertips.
To eternally seek, to always rise and fall,
to wrestle every instance of relaxing into the consuming void of death.

Desire,
desire to sleep, or to remain awake through the night.
Productivity at the expence of sleep, sleep at the expence of consciousness.

Simply, self-confliction of the deafening hours between night and morning,
asleep without rest, awake without productivity.
The inability to achieve, and the inability to relax into void.
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[22 Feb 2010|11:15pm]
Michael stole $40 of mine. Now I will likely overdraft and will not be able to buy my antidepressants. On that note, I feel like I'm slipping and there is no hope. It has ceased to be a dark cloud making me not enjoy things, and devouring my interests, and is now nothing. I don't feel negativity, I don't feel any value in life. I feel so surprised when I feel happy, and I feel like it's just a facade. It never lasts, it always falters. This is the most dangerous I have ever been, because I see life from a distance, like a game, and I don't feel like pain is bad.

Everything that I thought I loved has misled me. My family is quiet and sad. They are weak and they indulge. I have realized that Caitlin is no goddess but a person, and as we interact we do not achieve the holy, but just another broken step towards her realizing that I'm too fucked up. I don't understand how anyone could love me because I am broken. I am a romantic because I want someone to fix me, because I want to put my faith in a person, because everything else fails to fulfill me. But nothing ever does anything, and neither do people.

I need to distance myself from those who I love because when they come close they realize that the only reason I seem so put together is because I'm trying so hard to hold the pieces together.
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[17 Feb 2010|12:51pm]
The circular Earth always exposes it's eternal belly, thrust out towards the sun, and on her belly a field of green grass. The first day of sun in late Winter, the grass is like fresh paint on canvas - an unbelievable shade, exuberant and crisp. Though chilly, the sun warms, and saps away dew from the fields, and people mill about with smiles on their faces for all these reasons beyond control. We are suddenly on the cusp of change, and we know that it is happening.
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[11 Feb 2010|11:34pm]
Once god snapped his fingers, like spinning a top, and put this all to motion. Each revolution, each day, I find the time falling away, sounds perishing, and light fading. Leaves fall like pages of a calendar, and winter snow obscures and decomposes everything that once was. I would die if not for the will of billions of other humans, to sit and watch the world pass at the speed of time, to relax up against the bark of trees, to fall into the frost as the sky shades - and yet I am housed and warm. To embrace and grab, by the trunk of the tree, to throttle Fall into early submission - I do not desire this. Suddenly, spun into motion, a top, sparked into flames inside of me, like Earth about the sun, or the initial impulse of the universe I desire, not the quiet content, but laughing happiness. I desire old family videos of climbing trees, me obscured by green tree, and then obscured by white light of the sun - and to grow - see I find only groping towards that which I desire, and in the darkness I find a hand groping towards mine. To blunder upon this clasp of ours, I see eternity stretch out like a dense numberline in all directions, and yet still I stand, for amidst question the clasp of yours is what I desire. To define a flame spark, fire or motion is for naught, because every moment we ask why. Answers are before us not always in thought but in a life of grasping and clasping.
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[08 Feb 2010|09:31pm]
I am utterly depressed. Nothing holds value to me, the only thing that's good at all is that which doesn't make me feel anything at all. I tried to take PEA to make me feel better, but I just realized that I'm depressed. It's a distraction that makes me feel like I'm doing something about my condition but instead I just feel guilty because I'm trying to run away from what I feel. I can't do homework I can't sleep, I can't bring myself to text Caitlin, I can't even feel anything at all.

I am tired of living as if something that makes me happy is "right around the corner." I am tired of being so entirely proud of my actions and where I have come in life, and yet not being able to reap the benefits of what I have put in. I am tired of being confined by walls wherever I walk. I am sickened of being sickened - of taking many showers a day just to do something that has the appearance of being worthwhile. The backbone of my life is doing what I find enjoyable and worthwhile - and when I feel nothing at all I have no reason to do anything.

The worst part is that I know that nothing will appease me. A fog has settled over me, and I will spend an eternity here till it passes, pretending I'm okay, pretending that the things I do are worthwhile, pretending that I feel like I'm living at all.
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[31 Jan 2010|11:59pm]
At wits end, let's be solemn.
I don't know what demon inside me burns
and screams his desire to consume,
but I consume and consume at the expense of honesty.
I've broken down and screamed to the world
that I can live a lie,
if I keep my palms up and falter not.
And I'm dying, one day, by day by day, to be content,
not by the silence of lungs full of water in an icy river,
but by settling upon the green grass under the sun.

Despite trying to take a picture of life,
I'm just frightened and
frightened of being frightened.
I fall, day by day,
towards the fiery sun, or the depths of the ocean,
and I cannot handle handling this axiomatic void.
I believe in change and this suddenly changing change -
and I falter when I settle in,
because everything seems to sit still.
I am a child, because everything seems to fall apart,
and yet buildings stand, mountains sit, and hills roll.
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[15 Dec 2009|12:34am]
Desire desire.


Thrust forth from the myriad of all things,
I embrace hunger.
Lord, oh weakness,
oh deign me unworthy of consciousness.
The human experience,
I've been lost to sensation,
spinning and falling,
towards understanding,
towards hunger once again.
No, it is the superfluous I desire.
I desire desire.
Gas, spark, flame,
look at it this way - see,
I've just been seeing smoking embers -
smoke, dust, air.
Earth and sun at the core of it all -
and sensation,
falling and spinning away in time,
towards understanding,
towards hunger once again.

Let me say that if life is but a blink in eternity,
then you are but a fraction of a day,
and love but a segment of life.
I am falling down on fanned flames -
so let me now embrace Earth and Sun,
everything under the flaming sky,
everything sitting still,
and all that which moves.
I desire contentment -
drop lamentation of lost desire for desire by the door.
This is the beautiful growing old
- bird calls in the forest -
whisps of hair on sunken skin,
sweating at night and
whispers of youth and love and desire desire...
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[20 Nov 2009|11:58pm]
One cannot wear respect like a robe.
I am sickened of love worn on the face -
it is your face that evokes a throbbing and a swelling,
a hissing and a groaning.
This is unusual,
anger rises and I scream to myself,
to your face,
"don't look so fucking innocent!
You do an injustice to the romantics of the world,
you have achieved mediocrity at every turn..."

And so I see your face -
a tingling feeling of love,
but you are the antithesis
of everything that I am.
This righteousness?
Yes it is mine -
do not wear a facade,
do not demand respect,
you are a landscape of faces
and I thrust towards the sky
my animosity towards you all.

--------------------------------------------------

I feel dull.
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[25 Oct 2009|10:07pm]
There is no metaphor for life - there is no analogy. I am achieving imperfection one day at a time and I suppose that is okay. When I type here I want to tie the world up in a nice little package, but enough sequestration and frivolity. Time to accept the incomprehensible nature of all this stuff.

I go through these cycles of lifting myself up and letting myself fall. Of praising myself and punishing myself. Tomorrow will you derive enjoyment from a boring lecture? Smile at a cashier? Wake up late, and fall asleep unhappy? Forgo a shower for - nothing? It is these questions that we unconsciously answer everyday. It is a reflection of the mind, or the mind a reflection of the actions, I don't know - but how will you define yourself tomorrow? I want to find happiness in everything, and so when I feel so melancholy, is this good?

I am frightened of myself because I am frightened I will make mistakes. It is by the fact that one cannot redo a single thing that one is never free to do anything. Can I do my best? Can I try to try to do my best? Is this good enough?

The problem is this: I care not about the world. In happiness I am broken, in sleep I dream, in melancholy I am happy, in longing there is desire, in love there is absence. Do I... like anything?

I like to live, I love to live - but I live to enjoy, or to be happy, or to make it worth my while. And so it is by my emptiness that I am filled by the rushing in of water, or world, or life. How do you tell the world you don't care about a thing - it is by your frivolity that you have value! It is by your meaninglessness that you mean something!

And how am I supposed to live, achieving nothing one day at a time? I am still me, one day at a time.

From the human perspective there is inherent good in life. I see satisfaction rippling epicenters of laughter, I see lust in the air between two people, I see the irrational as good. I see nothing as everything, and everything as the undeniable desire to be.
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[11 Oct 2009|08:47pm]
I don't understand.

What is life? It is riddled with strife. People spend 1/3rd of their time procuring means for just the basic essentials of life. Beyond this, they brainwash themselves and dull themselves to the point to wash rinse repeat wash rinse repeat wash... People become broken machines and it becomes apparent that there is a biological construct in us that keeps us from keeping committing suicide. If people were driven to suicide, humanity would end, and thus this problem resolved. (This paragraph should be ignored for reasons of ignorant generalization)

My question: Is life worth it?

Raise your hand if you are happy. I don't understand what it is inside of me that keeps me alive. I have the power to choose between life and death. It is such a taboo to think about death, but I don't think it's bad. I think we should be in touch with ourselves and our desire for life and (eventually) death.

People never talk or think about it. Is this beneficial? Maybe for keeping us alive, but then we fall victim to Darwinism at the possible expense of logic.

I don't feel like I should openly post this.
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[06 Oct 2009|10:05pm]
Life is in a constant dynamic, and sometimes I can feel eddies in the current, pools before a waterfall, changes before a sudden fluctuation. It is strange to be so far removed from my "old life." The only thing that has not changed is myself. I suppose a good question to ask is, is this okay?

It is not often that one finds a chance to start anew. To start anew when the world is watching him, waiting for him to do it. I suppose these are unusually good circumstances for moving and beginning again. People do say that college provides the best opportunity without the high cost of responsibility. Regardless of the circumstances, it is probably more accurate to say that this is just a continuation of what was happening before, only removed from any buildup of baggage. I am 100 miles away, and it is nearly infinity.

To answer the question, it is absolutely okay that I am me, and that I am at college.

(This is a public journal. As such, I should accept the possibility that someone may read this. I apologize for submitting you to this, however, it is inevitable:)

Ever present in my mind is Caitlin. In comparison to any person I have ever come in contact with, she is beyond comparison. I understand that what I feel for her is irrational, yet that is no reason to attempt to ignore it. It should be a goal of humans to understand the effect of emotion on the human experience. I have fallen truly in love with Caitlin. What I feel is frightening, because I am vulnerable and powerless. I have given my wellbeing and happiness to a person and the whim of the world. I have faith that it is worth the possible cost of destruction. Do I feel optimism? I would not submit myself to such uncertainty unless I myself was truly certain. I am certain I am not mistaken, I am certain I am not broken, I am certain that I will never look back on my life as a maze of paths, lamenting on the ones I did and did not take. I say all this not because of uncertainty or pessimism, I say this as an understanding of the immense odds I am battling in existing in a long distance relationship with a beautiful beautiful girl. I say all of this because I believe the odds are on my side.

writing takes so much effort.

Devon - out.
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[24 Sep 2009|01:57am]
I went up to Evergreen on Saturday morning. My every expectation was exceeded, and I am excited excited excited to be back up in Olympia tomorrow. My apartmentmates are Araabi, Martin, and Travis. I live half underground and I have lots of windows which I can climb out of to the outside. My room is small.

Sunday, I came back to vancouver and stayed the night at Caitlin's house. Monday I went with her and her family to Longbeach and had my first true vacation. Movies, playing in the ocean, staying up forever doing nothing.

Tuesday at dusk we walked to the beach. The sky was on fire, the path was dark, the wind was blowing in the dunegrass, the crashing waves were in the air. Once on the beach we walk out far, lost in the surreal landscape. The tide was out and the sand was shiny, covered with a plane of water. The moon was red, catching the sand, and the sun finally sank down beneath the Earth. We stood in eachothers arms, and kissed, and tears wetted her cheeks and then my cheeks, and we were solemn. Silence ran under our fingertips, around our legs, through our hair, and looming was time. We could not control, and so our cheeks were wetted. Comfort was found in hugs, and when the flaming moon was just falling out of sight, we walked back, watching the wide sky up above. Black or nearly blue, we watched the constelations, the planets, moons and shining stars. She stepped and beneath her the ground lit up with sparks, and she stepped again and beneath her the tround lit up with sparks. Tiny organisms, enraged, for the thought of self preservation, mimicking the stars up above, exploding with light, walking on light, hands entertwined.

Today was the first day I thought about us being apart, and I succumbed to my melancholy. I stewed in it, and I do not feel any better. on the long ride back home I thought, this is the last place I will see her, I am counting the seconds to when I say goodbye to her.

now I am "home," thrust upon the night. I have no clothes, no things. I am a transient, I am in transit. tomorrow I will go back to Olympia and stay for weeks upon weeks.

I am frightened because I am frightened of responsibility, and now I must learn. I am tossed and I am expected to be grown. I suppose I will learn.
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[15 Sep 2009|03:28pm]
I'm packing and getting lots of things for college. It's expensive. my room is bare.

I want to leave - I am frightened of noticing my absence in the bathroom, my room, the kitchen, my brother's room, on the couch, in Caitlin's house, in esther short park. I don't know what to expect. I am frightened of being apart from Caitlin - will time and space make us question what wonderful things have happened?

I want to thrust myself upon a new city. I want to meet my roomates, and cook bread in a new kitchen. I want to learn, and I want to be away from my house.
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[09 Sep 2009|02:16pm]
Summer has flown by, and it has been the best summer thus far. For the first time in my life I have felt unconfined. By rules, my parents, my insecurities, curfews, geography, people, myself. I have traveled to different cities, different states, I have spontaneously lounged in surrealistic parks in the city - a valley in the midst of buildings, I have played in Seattle for no reason other than to play.

I have discovered the immense joys of social interaction, I have found the differentiation between habit and true friends, I have found a second family. I have rediscovered the Devon I once knew and loved, defined him, refined him - I have found no stagnation. I have achieved a dynamic mess, with boulders as stabilizing forces in the middle of the storm. I can say that in spite of the depression I feel every single day, I am a truly fortunate existence. I can say that I am truly happy.

In 10 days I leave for The Evergreen State College. I am taking a program called The Mathematical Order of Nature, which centers computer programming, mathematical modeling, climate modeling, and the history of science around physics.

Caitlin and I have decided to stay together when I leave. People are irreplaceable, and she is such an excellent force in my life that she is not worth leaving. I am not frightened, I am optimistic - it is not as if we will not be severely busy. I will be down approximately every 2 weeks. She brings to light the ideal Devon. Everything that I wish to be and more. I am most surprised that she uncovers things in me - art, emotion, intensity, thought - that I did not know was possible.

I suppose I can say that I am finally growing up. My body has matured, I am to be off on my own in 10 days, and I finally feel like I am no longer a kid. And yet, I have discovered that I am absolutely terrified of responsibility. I am terrible with money, I have yet to get a job, and I have a broken car in my driveway with no way to fix it.

The things I do well in life I get rewarded for. Whenever I screw up I really catch it. I do not believe in fate, karma, or God - but this is the pattern I have noticed.
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[19 Aug 2009|01:29am]
I want to go to college.

1 month now.
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[17 Aug 2009|01:22am]
It's hard to breathe and I'm going to be cryptic

I feel like I'm falling but I don't know if it's down a well or towards the clouds

I'm frightened and euphoric.

utterly shocked - what is the value of technology when it degrades human interaction - I can't believe what is happening in my life.

(that is a figure of speech. I believe it - it is surrealism)

I remember when I thought life was boring.
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