horse

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:34:55 GMT

Desire desire.

Thrust forth from the myriad of all things,
I embrace hunger.
Lord, oh weakness,
oh deign me unworthy of consciousness.
The human experience,
I've been lost to sensation,
spinning and falling,
towards understanding,
towards hunger once again.
No, it is the superfluous I desire.
I desire desire.
Gas, spark, flame,
look at it this way - see,
I've just been seeing smoking embers -
smoke, dust, air.
Earth and sun at the core of it all -
and sensation,
falling and spinning away in time,
towards understanding,
towards hunger once again.

Let me say that if life is but a blink in eternity,
then you are but a fraction of a day,
and love but a segment of life.
I am falling down on fanned flames -
so let me now embrace Earth and Sun,
everything under the flaming sky,
everything sitting still,
and all that which moves.
I desire contentment -
drop lamentation of lost desire for desire by the door.
This is the beautiful growing old
- bird calls in the forest -
whisps of hair on sunken skin,
sweating at night and
whispers of youth and love and desire desire...

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 07:58:59 GMT

One cannot wear respect like a robe.
I am sickened of love worn on the face -
it is your face that evokes a throbbing and a swelling,
a hissing and a groaning.
This is unusual,
anger rises and I scream to myself,
to your face,
"don't look so fucking innocent!
You do an injustice to the romantics of the world,
you have achieved mediocrity at every turn..."

And so I see your face -
a tingling feeling of love,
but you are the antithesis
of everything that I am.
This righteousness?
Yes it is mine -
do not wear a facade,
do not demand respect,
you are a landscape of faces
and I thrust towards the sky
my animosity towards you all.

--------------------------------------------------

I feel dull.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 05:39:54 GMT

There is no metaphor for life - there is no analogy. I am achieving imperfection one day at a time and I suppose that is okay. When I type here I want to tie the world up in a nice little package, but enough sequestration and frivolity. Time to accept the incomprehensible nature of all this stuff.

I go through these cycles of lifting myself up and letting myself fall. Of praising myself and punishing myself. Tomorrow will you derive enjoyment from a boring lecture? Smile at a cashier? Wake up late, and fall asleep unhappy? Forgo a shower for - nothing? It is these questions that we unconsciously answer everyday. It is a reflection of the mind, or the mind a reflection of the actions, I don't know - but how will you define yourself tomorrow? I want to find happiness in everything, and so when I feel so melancholy, is this good?

I am frightened of myself because I am frightened I will make mistakes. It is by the fact that one cannot redo a single thing that one is never free to do anything. Can I do my best? Can I try to try to do my best? Is this good enough?

The problem is this: I care not about the world. In happiness I am broken, in sleep I dream, in melancholy I am happy, in longing there is desire, in love there is absence. Do I... like anything?

I like to live, I love to live - but I live to enjoy, or to be happy, or to make it worth my while. And so it is by my emptiness that I am filled by the rushing in of water, or world, or life. How do you tell the world you don't care about a thing - it is by your frivolity that you have value! It is by your meaninglessness that you mean something!

And how am I supposed to live, achieving nothing one day at a time? I am still me, one day at a time.

From the human perspective there is inherent good in life. I see satisfaction rippling epicenters of laughter, I see lust in the air between two people, I see the irrational as good. I see nothing as everything, and everything as the undeniable desire to be.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 03:57:08 GMT

I don't understand.

What is life? It is riddled with strife. People spend 1/3rd of their time procuring means for just the basic essentials of life. Beyond this, they brainwash themselves and dull themselves to the point to wash rinse repeat wash rinse repeat wash... People become broken machines and it becomes apparent that there is a biological construct in us that keeps us from keeping committing suicide. If people were driven to suicide, humanity would end, and thus this problem resolved. (This paragraph should be ignored for reasons of ignorant generalization)

My question: Is life worth it?

Raise your hand if you are happy. I don't understand what it is inside of me that keeps me alive. I have the power to choose between life and death. It is such a taboo to think about death, but I don't think it's bad. I think we should be in touch with ourselves and our desire for life and (eventually) death.

People never talk or think about it. Is this beneficial? Maybe for keeping us alive, but then we fall victim to Darwinism at the possible expense of logic.

I don't feel like I should openly post this.

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 05:20:17 GMT

Life is in a constant dynamic, and sometimes I can feel eddies in the current, pools before a waterfall, changes before a sudden fluctuation. It is strange to be so far removed from my "old life." The only thing that has not changed is myself. I suppose a good question to ask is, is this okay?

It is not often that one finds a chance to start anew. To start anew when the world is watching him, waiting for him to do it. I suppose these are unusually good circumstances for moving and beginning again. People do say that college provides the best opportunity without the high cost of responsibility. Regardless of the circumstances, it is probably more accurate to say that this is just a continuation of what was happening before, only removed from any buildup of baggage. I am 100 miles away, and it is nearly infinity.

To answer the question, it is absolutely okay that I am me, and that I am at college.

(This is a public journal. As such, I should accept the possibility that someone may read this. I apologize for submitting you to this, however, it is inevitable:)

Ever present in my mind is Caitlin. In comparison to any person I have ever come in contact with, she is beyond comparison. I understand that what I feel for her is irrational, yet that is no reason to attempt to ignore it. It should be a goal of humans to understand the effect of emotion on the human experience. I have fallen truly in love with Caitlin. What I feel is frightening, because I am vulnerable and powerless. I have given my wellbeing and happiness to a person and the whim of the world. I have faith that it is worth the possible cost of destruction. Do I feel optimism? I would not submit myself to such uncertainty unless I myself was truly certain. I am certain I am not mistaken, I am certain I am not broken, I am certain that I will never look back on my life as a maze of paths, lamenting on the ones I did and did not take. I say all this not because of uncertainty or pessimism, I say this as an understanding of the immense odds I am battling in existing in a long distance relationship with a beautiful beautiful girl. I say all of this because I believe the odds are on my side.

writing takes so much effort.

Devon - out.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:18:55 GMT

I went up to Evergreen on Saturday morning. My every expectation was exceeded, and I am excited excited excited to be back up in Olympia tomorrow. My apartmentmates are Araabi, Martin, and Travis. I live half underground and I have lots of windows which I can climb out of to the outside. My room is small.

Sunday, I came back to vancouver and stayed the night at Caitlin's house. Monday I went with her and her family to Longbeach and had my first true vacation. Movies, playing in the ocean, staying up forever doing nothing.

Tuesday at dusk we walked to the beach. The sky was on fire, the path was dark, the wind was blowing in the dunegrass, the crashing waves were in the air. Once on the beach we walk out far, lost in the surreal landscape. The tide was out and the sand was shiny, covered with a plane of water. The moon was red, catching the sand, and the sun finally sank down beneath the Earth. We stood in eachothers arms, and kissed, and tears wetted her cheeks and then my cheeks, and we were solemn. Silence ran under our fingertips, around our legs, through our hair, and looming was time. We could not control, and so our cheeks were wetted. Comfort was found in hugs, and when the flaming moon was just falling out of sight, we walked back, watching the wide sky up above. Black or nearly blue, we watched the constelations, the planets, moons and shining stars. She stepped and beneath her the ground lit up with sparks, and she stepped again and beneath her the tround lit up with sparks. Tiny organisms, enraged, for the thought of self preservation, mimicking the stars up above, exploding with light, walking on light, hands entertwined.

Today was the first day I thought about us being apart, and I succumbed to my melancholy. I stewed in it, and I do not feel any better. on the long ride back home I thought, this is the last place I will see her, I am counting the seconds to when I say goodbye to her.

now I am "home," thrust upon the night. I have no clothes, no things. I am a transient, I am in transit. tomorrow I will go back to Olympia and stay for weeks upon weeks.

I am frightened because I am frightened of responsibility, and now I must learn. I am tossed and I am expected to be grown. I suppose I will learn.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 22:34:44 GMT

I'm packing and getting lots of things for college. It's expensive. my room is bare.

I want to leave - I am frightened of noticing my absence in the bathroom, my room, the kitchen, my brother's room, on the couch, in Caitlin's house, in esther short park. I don't know what to expect. I am frightened of being apart from Caitlin - will time and space make us question what wonderful things have happened?

I want to thrust myself upon a new city. I want to meet my roomates, and cook bread in a new kitchen. I want to learn, and I want to be away from my house.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:37:39 GMT

Summer has flown by, and it has been the best summer thus far. For the first time in my life I have felt unconfined. By rules, my parents, my insecurities, curfews, geography, people, myself. I have traveled to different cities, different states, I have spontaneously lounged in surrealistic parks in the city - a valley in the midst of buildings, I have played in Seattle for no reason other than to play.

I have discovered the immense joys of social interaction, I have found the differentiation between habit and true friends, I have found a second family. I have rediscovered the Devon I once knew and loved, defined him, refined him - I have found no stagnation. I have achieved a dynamic mess, with boulders as stabilizing forces in the middle of the storm. I can say that in spite of the depression I feel every single day, I am a truly fortunate existence. I can say that I am truly happy.

In 10 days I leave for The Evergreen State College. I am taking a program called The Mathematical Order of Nature, which centers computer programming, mathematical modeling, climate modeling, and the history of science around physics.

Caitlin and I have decided to stay together when I leave. People are irreplaceable, and she is such an excellent force in my life that she is not worth leaving. I am not frightened, I am optimistic - it is not as if we will not be severely busy. I will be down approximately every 2 weeks. She brings to light the ideal Devon. Everything that I wish to be and more. I am most surprised that she uncovers things in me - art, emotion, intensity, thought - that I did not know was possible.

I suppose I can say that I am finally growing up. My body has matured, I am to be off on my own in 10 days, and I finally feel like I am no longer a kid. And yet, I have discovered that I am absolutely terrified of responsibility. I am terrible with money, I have yet to get a job, and I have a broken car in my driveway with no way to fix it.

The things I do well in life I get rewarded for. Whenever I screw up I really catch it. I do not believe in fate, karma, or God - but this is the pattern I have noticed.

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 08:29:26 GMT

I want to go to college.

1 month now.

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 08:28:04 GMT

It's hard to breathe and I'm going to be cryptic

I feel like I'm falling but I don't know if it's down a well or towards the clouds

I'm frightened and euphoric.

utterly shocked - what is the value of technology when it degrades human interaction - I can't believe what is happening in my life.

(that is a figure of speech. I believe it - it is surrealism)

I remember when I thought life was boring.

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 20:08:31 GMT

I AM GOING TO CREATE INTENSE PHYSICAL PAIN IN THE PERSON WHO I CARE ABOUT MOST.

THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT.

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 07:35:38 GMT

I am consumed, not just with emotion, but the logical reasons that I love being around Caitlin. That she apparently enjoys me equally is a cherry on top. I care not what she thinks, but only what I of her.

And so everything that I say has been said before, a thousand, a million, a billion times. I am unoriginal in every way. What I feel is the common human experience. If anything, I am only more forward about it.

Yet it does not change that I wish to express it all, in a perfect way. That I wish to fold my body inside out so everybody can see the inside - to throw every thought away off a building.

I am too fortunate. And yet, college looms. What will come, come September 19th?

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 07:30:55 GMT

Euphoric.

The more I am surrounded with people the more I love them. The more I dislike being lonesome.

Devon, the social cat, dammit.

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 03:27:01 GMT

Can't hang out with Jacob or Reed because Kaslin is there. The knowledge that the petty past creates such emotional baggage that two who dated for 1.5 years cannot be friends.

I probably would have felt weird too.

Bored with nothing to do. don't want to do anything except be with my friends. yet can't.

My bike is at Jacob's house and I want to ride it. oh the predicaments of boredom.

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 11:06:40 GMT

Stuck to the surface of the planet
like a smiley face sticker on the bumper of a car.
Long gone,
and with a face plastered to my being,
I can't believe a single person would love me.
I am small talk blown out the head,
manipulative so as to please
myself and everybody,
I am nothing,
the medium from which ego boils forth.
So please do tell me, could you say the same?

Well I'll say,
it is the dissonance between you and I,
that makes me love you so.
Lord I'll -
rubbing me like sandpaper on metal,
touching me with texture and depth,
hearing you speak and thinking "You are not I!"
Goddamn, it is that of you which I hate
that makes me love you.

And there is union.
The point at which music exists in dissonance is beautiful,
the point at which music resolves is transient nirvana.

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 18:45:21 GMT

I don't think the bible should be taken literally.

Eve eating the forbidden apple does not tell the story of man's fall from perfection (into sin), but rather explains a fundamental quality of life. This quality of life is imperfection based on the idea that we have consciousness.

When one looks into the sky, into the sea, into the forest, they see a sort of perfection. An ever changing perfection, that adapts and changes to the environment - and always works. The action and reaction of the sky, sea, or forest, with the environment works on something close to Darwinism. What works works, and what doesn't work doesn't work. That is why planets have stable orbits - because they fall towards the sun as fast as they are moving away from it. The point is that all the perfection screams "I have taken the test of time, and I work!"

And yet we have cities. We change and build our own environments. People are not viewed as perfect beings. I believe this is because of our very very large capacity to be completely and utterly wrong. Humans do not "work" in the same sense that Earth "works" in it's orbit. We are actively destroying the planet. Cities are thought of as tumors on the Earth. Further, humans believe whole with all of their heart absolutely wrong things. Examples: the earth is flat, religion, eggs are bad for you etc

We have not taken the test of time, and even so, we see evidence of us not working. We live in dissonance with the world, and in some sort of cosmic evolution, we will probably we wiped out.

Our consciousness fundamentally flaws us by giving us the capacity to be wrong. And this is shown with our dissonance to perfection, and dissonance to the sustainable world.

I don't think the point of Genesis is to doom everybody to sin, but rather to acknowledge the true nature of humans. And that would make Jesus the guy saying, "It's alright, nobody is perfect."

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 21:03:46 GMT

My insides are on fire!

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 16:33:00 GMT

Melancholy.

Wake up, don't want to get up. Stay in my room, don't want to see my family. Nothing satisfies,

Want to just go do other things

why, devon?

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 09:25:23 GMT

Caitlin arrived home. We hung out today, and for the first 45 minutes or so it was extraordinarily awkward. I think it's just cause we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks and forgot what it was like to relate to each other. Or something like that. Regardless, it was very nice to remember what that part of my life is like.

I really like baking. I think it's my new favorite thing to do.

My life is pretty boring, yet fulfilling.

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 07:20:28 GMT

Ughh, I miss Caitlin. She's been gone for a week, and she'll be gone for another week.

Michael has become a complete hypocrite. He has become everything he disliked about me when I was with Kaslin and more. He won't make plans with me because of the possibility of spending that time with Casey. He texts all the time. He speaks of her nonstop.

I don't mind these things - it is simply that he dropped all of his moral conviction. He as become everything he disliked about me.

Man has no moral conviction. I suppose morals are not beneficial to man's happiness.

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 07:58:15 GMT

People are so fucking stupid. Wishful thinking is not reality. Nothing is true because you want it to be. What you see is what you get - it may be complicated as hell, but it's not magic.

Are people absolutely retarded?

There is ONE objective reality. Each of the 6 billion souls on earth perceives that reality. The inability to properly interact with reality is called mental illness and delusion. It's not difficult to think. logic. to not be a complete fool.

The biggest problem with this world is that people are incapable of using common sense.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 07:28:49 GMT

I bake kingly bread.

I woke up to news that my mother is in the hospital. Spent all day there. She had her gallbladder removed. She is home and well now.

Caitlin is gone for 2 weeks. I miss her.

She makes me a fool. :)

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 08:11:50 GMT

For the very first time in my life I am completely happy and utterly content.

I do not say this lightly.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:23:11 GMT

Uh,

Have become absolutely infatuated with Caitlin.*

Playing piano to no end.

Started a beast of a book.

Ultra fulfilling.

*(The irony is that she went through what I did two years ago. She dated Eric while I was stupid for her, I dated Kaslin while she was stupid for me. The situation has become surreal.)

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 18:12:19 GMT

Done with school. It is surrealism with itchy eyes. My body hurts, running on 3.5 hours. Miserably miserable, yet ecstatic to be awake - more excited to sleep.

Will take shower - will fall back asleep.